My Evil Reign of Humorous Short Stories Continues...Based Off 8-Bit Theater
A very long time ago, there was another land. A land filled with swords and sorcerers, a land of magic and kings, of fiends and spells. In this land were also many heroes, heroes who traveled forth to vanquish evil and gain rewards. This is the tale of the greatest of these heroes. We begin with two of what would eventually become a four and occasionally five man team of do-gooders...
Anteayer: "I am Anteayer the knight! I have come forward to these blighted lands to smite evil and once more bring light to..."
Gloom Wizard: "Yeah, yeah, you've done that five times already. Give it a rest."
Anteayer: "But it's what I do."
GW: "It's safe to say that everybody in the vicinity, or in other words, me, knows it by now. By the way, what are we doing in the Plain of Giant Worms? Other than, you know, dying very soon."
Anteayer: "Because, across from the Plain of Giant Worms lies the Forest of Imminent Death."
GW: "And we want to get to the Forest of Imminent Death?"
Anteayer: "Yes, because at the center of the Forest of Imminent Death is the Sword of Elements."
GW: "If it's a Forest of Imminent Death, how does anyone know what's in it?"
Anteayer: "Because...they just do."
GW: "God I hate you."
Anteayer: "I know you're my best friend."
As Gloom Wizard continued to get angry with the oblivious Anteayer, one of the giant worms came up to them.
GW: "...and those are the many reasons why you are a complete moron. Now, we should work on getting out of here. We've pretty much lost our way, and you traded our map and compass for a small wedge of expired cheese in the last town. So, let's...let's..."
Clearly, Gloom Wizard had just noticed the worm. And so had Anteayer, after a couple of minutes of GW telling him.
Anteayer: "Stand back, Gloom Wizard! This worm shall taste my blade."
GW: "I don't think worms have a sense of taste, but go right ahead."
Anteayer leaped into action against the worm while Gloom Wizard sat there, doing nothing. Eventually, a horse walked up to him.
Horse With No Name: "Yo. I'm the Horse With No Name."
GW: "...so many questions, so little time. One, how do you have no name? And two, how did you get here?"
HWNN: "Well, after that jerkwad band America made that song, they left me here. Said that they didn't need a horse with no name anymore. See where kicking me out got them?"
GW: "You know, I'm just not going to question that."
Anteayer: "AH!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!! SOMEBODY, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
GW: "So, just wandering then?"
HWNN: "Yeah. What are you guys up to?"
Anteayer: "MY KIDNEY!!!!! MY PRECIOUS KIDNEY!!!!!!!"
GW: "Well, we got kind of lost here, so we're trying to find our way out. Want to come with us?"
HWNN: "Yeah, okay."
At that moment, an incredible stroke of luck happened in which, instead of swallowing Anteayer, the worm threw him toward Gloom Wizard and Horse With No Name.
Anteayer: "I beg of you...kill....me...."
GW: "I'd love to, but I need you as a body shield until I become powerful enough to destroy all of creation. I'll just get rid of that worm for us. AÆDORTO!!!"
AÆdorto, of course, is a very powerful spell that destroys all around it, and often the caster itself. Thankfully, though, our three heroes survived the blast.
HWNN: "Was that necessary? You nearly killed us."
GW: "Yeah, but I didn't. And that's all that matters. Besides, now that there's a smoking crater in the ground, we can find our way back."
HWNN: "How..."
GW: "Don't question it."
HWNN: "By the way, who are you?"
GW: "I'm Gloom Wizard, and this is my body shield, Anteayer."
HWNN: "Shouldn't we get him some medical attention?"
GW: "Nah, he's like a cockroach. You just can't kill him."
Sure enough, as soon as they looked at Anteayer again, he was completely healed.
Anteayer: "Come on guys, let's go back to town."
And so they did, off toward the town and adventure. Our three valiant heroes, weakened from the trials of battle, sought shelter at an Inn, where they rested. Fully refreshed the next day, they went off to buy equipment and supplies.
GW: "Well, I'm going to buy some spells to get a step or two closer to the annihilation of mankind. I'm giving the share of the money you two get entirely to Horse."
Anteayer: "What!? But you've known me so much longer!"
GW: "Yeah, and every time I give you money, you end up using it all buying weapons that are inevitably weaker than what we find the second we step outside of town."
Anteayer: "But they're shiny..."
GW: "Whatever. See you losers later."
And so Gloom Wizard walked off to buy powerful spells of destruction. Horse and Anteayer stayed in front of the Inn for a while.
HWNN: "Say, would you sign this?"
Anteayer: "Sure."
Gloom Wizard, having bought his spells and trying out one or twenty on innocent bystanders, was walking back to the Inn when he saw the Bright Wizard spell shop.
GW: "Hah! Bright wizardry? That's weak, man. 'Oh, look at me, I'm a little Bright Wizard, going around helping people and being nice.' It sickens me."
Bright Wizard: "You could learn much from the path of the Bright Wizard, dark one."
GW: "Who said that? Oh, just one of you stupid Bright Wizards. I'm good with death and destruction, thanks."
BW: "A difficult path lies ahead of you, dark one. One that would require the services of a Bright Wizard, I should think."
GW: "Well then, don't think. Now leave me alone."
So Gloom Wizard continued on his way to Horse and Anteayer, followed by Bright Wizard.
GW: "Hey guys, anything happen while I was gone?"
HWNN: "Nothing really. Anteayer contractually signed your life away. You?"
GW: "Well, I bought these powerful spells, and then this Bright Wizard started annoying me but...what did you say?"
HWNN: "Yeah, I got him to sign a contract. Both of your lives now, more or less, belong to me."
GW: "I knew the day would come when Anteayer was outsmarted by an animal, but I always thought it would be a goat."
HWNN: "Life is funny that way."
GW: "Anyway, there's no way he could have signed MY life away. He has no power to do so."
HWNN: "I know. That's why I took the liberty of forging your signature on this document giving Anteayer power of attorney over you."
GW: "I'm feeling a mix of admiration for you for being so evil, rage at Anteayer for being so stupid, and the normal rage at Anteayer I have."
HWNN: "You have to pay me for having emotions now."
GW: "You magnificent bastard."
Anteayer: "There is one perk to the whole thing, though."
GW: "And what would that be?"
Anteayer: "We're now contractually obligated to go questing with Horse and someone else to be determined later so that we can get money for him."
GW: "That's a perk?"
Anteayer: "Yeah. I had to give up the health plan for it, though."
Gloom Wizard pulled out two very sharp stabbing knives.
GW: "May I?"
HWNN: "Be my guest."
As Gloom Wizard mercilessly stabbed Anteayer, Bright Wizard went up to Horse.
BW: "Aren't you going to stop him?"
Anteayer: "Nah, he does this all the time."
GW: "And you still *stab* won't *stab* die!"
BW: "Anyway, I hear you are looking for another addition to your group. I am perfectly willing to accompany you."
HWNN: "Great. Just sign this..."
Ruby Wizard: "But wait!"
A dashing wizard decked out in ruby clothes with a ruby hat similar to Robin Hood's and a Spanish accent leaped down to them from out of nowhere.
RW: "No group can be complete without Ruby Wizard!"
Gloom Wizard, done stabbing Anteayer for now, turned to look at him.
GW: "And where would we find this Ruby Wizard?"
RW: "I am that very same Ruby Wizard!"
HWNN: "Well, for reasons that will never be explained, we can have only four people in our group. Since Gloom Wizard and Anteayer are basically my possessions, and I'm the leader, only Bright Wizard and Ruby Wizard can be kicked out. So, let's have a vote. Bright Wizard seems more useful than Ruby Wizard, I'm voting for him."
Anteayer: "Well, it seems only sensible that I follow Horse's lead and vote for..."
RW: "I like weapons."
Anteayer: "Ruby Wizard!"
GW: "Well then, the decision is in my hands. Both Ruby Wizard and Bright Wizard annoy me, but since Bright Wizard has been pissing me off longer, I'm voting for Ruby."
HWNN: "Well, that settles it. Sorry, Bright Wizard."
BW: "It is okay. We will meet again, my friends, as evils greater than your dark friend threaten this world."
GW: "Oh, I highly doubt there's something out there more evil than me. And if there is, I'll kill it."
HWNN: "Now that our group is formed, let us be off, so that we may quest to make me richer! By the way, I already gave Anteayer your power of attorney, Ruby Wizard, so you are also my possession."
RW: "Hmm...I'm beginning to think joining was not such a good idea."
And so, our four heroes were off, off to fight evil and have adventures! Can a homicidal wizard, a brainless knight, a scheming horse, and an oddly Spanish jack-of-all-trades save the world from the greatest evil ever known?
They're so screwed.
RW: "Is it me, or does Gloom Wizard smell kind of...funky?"
HWNN: "You should smell it with horse senses."
Anteayer: "I keep telling him he should try to fix that."
GW: "I could very easily destroy you all."
Anteayer: "Still wouldn't change the fact that you smell."
*stab*
Correction: WE'RE so screwed.
To Be Continued...